About two years ago, I tried to jump out of the car my mum was driving. The site of the road – my mum’s screams as she forced me to snap out of it – allowed me to witness all the memories I had emanated from when I had felt ALIVE. At that moment, a train of sentiments along with almost every day since 2002, flashed right in front of me as an attempt to remind myself of the life I was eager to leave behind. I couldn’t jump back then. Scared of what might unfold: pain, more pain, eternity, sorrow, desolation – everything that made me suicidal at some point. Is life actually supposed to be like this for a sixteen-year-old?
I believe we have all fallen victim to myriads of depression at some point in our lives. Some of us managed to postpone the time of our death, while others were consumed by its entirety; both outcomes induce excruciating pain and suffering.
I have been suffering from depression ever since I witnessed ******* violence at home; I was 8 then. And though things went back to normal years later, I was never able to fully heal. Sometimes it weighs me down. Other times, I keep questioning myself, what if I am just being dramatic? What if my pain is nothing and I am disrespecting those who have actually lost their lives this way? What if everything I am suffering from is just a horrible illusion?
As far as the answers are concerned, they are yet to be discovered. But what I realized when I was about to take the leap 2 years ago is what keeps me going today. My pain was mine to experience. No one had a share. So it is completely unreasonable to compare someone else’s suffering to that of myself. I was aware of my existence, I was starting to forget it, I wanted to vanish but I didn’t want to die – is it not enough to realize the magnitude of pain I was under even if it was much less worse than what others may have to go through? No one’s lives run parallel to each other. This is our first time experiencing what living actually feels like. And I believe it is normal to get tired of it, to sit, relax, and taking a step back. But you have no right kill your future just because your pain was unbearable today. Just wait for tomorrow, at least see what it brings. Wait for that one day when you can do everything you’ve only ever wanted to. And if that day takes longer to come, wait more. For the sake of the light that keeps you alive, just keep going, keep waiting. If not best, tomorrow is going to be much better than your today. At least be willing enough to take some good memories on your way back.
As for myself, I am waiting for the day when I am stable, both physically and financially. To see what that ONE day brings, I have lingered on for as long as now; to become, say, a Doctor, or a researcher; to be able to understand my own mind and body. I am loving the idea of mixing all my thoughts, efforts, and curiosity to learn more about science so that I can educate the world tomorrow. And even if it’s not one permanent solution, it just keeps me going. It makes me hopeful. And I believe hope is all that you need in times of crises.
Pain is a proof of life, folks. It is the only barrier between life and death. In actuality, it’s worse than death itself. But if you never have to go through pain, you may fail to value the true meaning of life. No matter how blunt it is, it is how it is.
Just thought I should share my experience as to why I decided to live.